been a while, eh?

whats happened since september? second semester. it is a biatch and a half, what with four intense courses and all the exams that go with those, and the semester burden of dog-walking. bleh.

oh yeah, and i actually flunked a test, even if only just (literally by 2 points). it brings my average from a B+ to a C. i have a B in most of my other classes. its a lot tougher this go 'round. hopefully next semester will be a bit lighter. we start the down-ramp to finals this coming week. it starts with two quizzes this week, then a couple weeks off. then finals start. including lab finals, thats six tests back to back. gods help me.

bleh

school course load is a bitch, hardly any free time.

would be nice to chat to friends during that free time, esp unbidden. ya know, not ME having to IM first. but no that doesnt happen.

this is the friendship i foster in people. the "out of sight out of mind" kind. i apparently suck so the less time they have to spend interacting with me the better.

i am officially giving up on ever finding anyone who will care enough to actually think of me for more than a couple minutes while im sitting in fron of them.

men still suck

and i am still lonely. somethings never change.

son of a bitch.

first off let me say it was great to see everyone i did get to see. and a big huge thank you to all who hosted me while i was back home. love you all madly.

that said

why the hell can't the typical american male keep a simple promise? it wasnt a big deal, just one fucking phone call before i left. thats all. nope, not gonna happen now. while i can understand him wanting to spend as much time as he can with his daughter and be able to go out and do his own thing on his day off it was, again, only a phone call. an email or IM would have sufficed as well. but nothing. so yeah, a rather epic fail. if you cant even call how can i trust youd do something with a bit more meaning behind it. this all falls back to the "itll probably only be a hook up" but that was never spelled out either. so now i know. if i want to know where i stand i need to ask pointed direct questions and wait for the uncomfortable answer.

oh yeah and the guy (different one or hed definitely be wearing his scrotum as a hat) who was supposed to drive me to the airport has also apparently bailed, sans notice, the day before the flight.

i hate men.

good news / bad news

phew. lots of running about advancing behaviours this week. but i like it. its still relatively low-key and i am making my own schedule so i get to see everyone i need to see before next saturday.

good news: the dog and cat are going to be adopted by their foster parents. they grew real attached to them over the past four months so they didnt want to send them to Sterling Animal Shelter (http://www.sterlingshelter.org/homepage.htm) for fear they wouldnt be adopted together.

bad news: i might not get out to see them before i leave. im not sure if thats really that bad though (at least for them) i really dont want to cause any anxiety for them and i think maybe seeing me would be weird.

good news: my loan did get approved and i dont need a co-signer which is even better.

bad news: im not real sure when i get the refund check and i am down to less than 1000$ in the bank.

good news: i did meet up with the lovely guy i have had my eye on for about five years. and it was as wonderful as i had hoped it would be.

bad news: i leave on saturday and with his work schedule i can only reaaly see him one more time before then.

figures....

huh.

after sweating out finals (nutrition kicked my ass, and truly had me fearing i failed) and dealing with delays, bad weather, and shitty car rental places i FINALLY made it back to my mom's place.

and that meet up with the guy? yeah, probably not gonna happen. after being more than willing for the last couple of weeks the excuses are flowing like water: family functions; school reunions, injuries, baby, work... blah

i'm growing pretty disaffected bout the whole thing. it won't stop me from hooking up with him but i know it's not gonna lead to anything and that's sad. wonder what really is going on? sounds like he heard tales from someone. and that pisses me off.

and i did pass: an A, 2 B's, a B+ (in nutrition, down almost a grade level from grade before exam) and a pass. so i'm moving on to second semester. hopefully i can get my loans together. stupid fucking house.

buh

well its almost the end of first semester. i just finished packing up most of my stuff and will bring it to the new place tomorrow after class in the morning. yeah, the week before finals and i have classes still. eh, guess it could be worse.

oh, and the enormity of "im really 2000 miles away from all the people i care about" kinda hit me in the face this evening. a guy i have liked/admired/had a thing for for about 4 years now told me he kinda felt the same way. and he works nights, so it's tough to chat with him online since i am mostly in class when he is free. and while i wouldnt want him to get in trouble at work, its a tad frustrating. and i dont want to scare him off by seeming too eager, but i really enjoy the time we actually do get to spend together. i hope it works out, i really do, seeing as it took so long for us to finally get our acts together.

i doubt two weeks will be long enough to connect with everyone i want to see. i got the lab, mom, and my friends to see apart from wanting to spend all my free time with him. but i will have to work around his schedule anyhow, so i guess it'll be what it'll be.

guh

well today is full of suck. i havent felt this depressed in a real long time. it's one of those depressions where i wouldn't care if the world happened to just stop tomorrow.

this is particularly troubling since i have a test on monday and i really should be studying. but honestly, and since no one really reads this other than me i don't really have to worry about someone else finding out, i couldn't give less of a fuck about it right now. that's bad.

i just so sick of being alone all the damn time. i just wish there was one person out there i could go to when i feel like this and get some solace. but there's no one. at least no one who would actually care. i have people i could talk to, and they would say soothing things and it might work. but in my head i kinda have a feeling that those people are just saying things they think i want to hear. they don't really mean them. they just don't want some blubbering, old, fat loser hanging around them bringing down their property values.

and honestly if i hear one more 23 year old ingenue complain about how she can't decide whether or not to break up with her boyfriend back home or the guy she's managed to hook up with down here i will fucking kill them. or myself. i haven't really decided which would be ultimately more useful to society at large.

oh, and apparently i crack people up. not enough so they'd actually want to hang out with me or anything, but yeah... so i guess i'm a blubbering, old, fat, funny loser. maybe i should just sell tickets? at least then i could pay off my loans.

all this after having a pretty good week. funny that. all it took was a casual reference about some guy i thought was cute. when am i gonna learn to keep my fucking mouth shut? especially since i honestly wasn't looking for insights/info, i was just making a statement: "i think X is cute."

the response from the "you're wicked funny" crowd? a resounding, if toned down, "fat fucking chance". yeah... i'm popular enough to study with, but that's it.

maybe this was all a mistake. maybe my dream should have stayed in it's pipe. maybe i am gonna be alone for the rest of my fucking life, forced to watch the happiness of others without ever actually feeling it myself.

and maybe you don't care either. so i'll shut up now.