guh

well today is full of suck. i havent felt this depressed in a real long time. it's one of those depressions where i wouldn't care if the world happened to just stop tomorrow.

this is particularly troubling since i have a test on monday and i really should be studying. but honestly, and since no one really reads this other than me i don't really have to worry about someone else finding out, i couldn't give less of a fuck about it right now. that's bad.

i just so sick of being alone all the damn time. i just wish there was one person out there i could go to when i feel like this and get some solace. but there's no one. at least no one who would actually care. i have people i could talk to, and they would say soothing things and it might work. but in my head i kinda have a feeling that those people are just saying things they think i want to hear. they don't really mean them. they just don't want some blubbering, old, fat loser hanging around them bringing down their property values.

and honestly if i hear one more 23 year old ingenue complain about how she can't decide whether or not to break up with her boyfriend back home or the guy she's managed to hook up with down here i will fucking kill them. or myself. i haven't really decided which would be ultimately more useful to society at large.

oh, and apparently i crack people up. not enough so they'd actually want to hang out with me or anything, but yeah... so i guess i'm a blubbering, old, fat, funny loser. maybe i should just sell tickets? at least then i could pay off my loans.

all this after having a pretty good week. funny that. all it took was a casual reference about some guy i thought was cute. when am i gonna learn to keep my fucking mouth shut? especially since i honestly wasn't looking for insights/info, i was just making a statement: "i think X is cute."

the response from the "you're wicked funny" crowd? a resounding, if toned down, "fat fucking chance". yeah... i'm popular enough to study with, but that's it.

maybe this was all a mistake. maybe my dream should have stayed in it's pipe. maybe i am gonna be alone for the rest of my fucking life, forced to watch the happiness of others without ever actually feeling it myself.

and maybe you don't care either. so i'll shut up now.

yikes

well since my last post i have pretty much had non-stop tests. i did very well in all of them, my lowest score being a B in PhysioI (when i quasi-complained about it the teacher looked at me and said "but you are doing very well", so yeah im a bit hard on myself).

my biggest accomplishment is bringing my AnatomyI score up. i got an A on this most recent test (much more reflective of how well i actually know the material) which bring me up to a high B for the class. if i can keep that up i will ace the course this semester.

still have an A average in Microanatomy, and i just got an A in Nutrition, bringing that class up to an A- or so. yeah, doing well overall. :)

still don't have a car, though i have tried a couple of test drives. i'm just not comfortable learning the left-handed shift driving at the same time i haveto remember to drive on the left side of the road. so i think, if i do get a car, that i will get a junky automatic first, get comfortable with that, and if it breaks down THEN i will get a manual. no problems there.

tomorrow is my 40th birthday. it's weird spending it down here with no family to cheer, but eh. i didnt get mych of a cheer from them anyhow. and my would-be boyfriend forgot it... so it can only be better.

hopefully i can swing into town this week sometime and pick my barnes and noble package up. i have some books that SHOULD have arrived already, so they may be stuck in customs or at the post office.

and now, back to getting caught up in AnatomyI reading assignments. i think its only about 150 pages, lol.