guh

well today is full of suck. i havent felt this depressed in a real long time. it's one of those depressions where i wouldn't care if the world happened to just stop tomorrow.

this is particularly troubling since i have a test on monday and i really should be studying. but honestly, and since no one really reads this other than me i don't really have to worry about someone else finding out, i couldn't give less of a fuck about it right now. that's bad.

i just so sick of being alone all the damn time. i just wish there was one person out there i could go to when i feel like this and get some solace. but there's no one. at least no one who would actually care. i have people i could talk to, and they would say soothing things and it might work. but in my head i kinda have a feeling that those people are just saying things they think i want to hear. they don't really mean them. they just don't want some blubbering, old, fat loser hanging around them bringing down their property values.

and honestly if i hear one more 23 year old ingenue complain about how she can't decide whether or not to break up with her boyfriend back home or the guy she's managed to hook up with down here i will fucking kill them. or myself. i haven't really decided which would be ultimately more useful to society at large.

oh, and apparently i crack people up. not enough so they'd actually want to hang out with me or anything, but yeah... so i guess i'm a blubbering, old, fat, funny loser. maybe i should just sell tickets? at least then i could pay off my loans.

all this after having a pretty good week. funny that. all it took was a casual reference about some guy i thought was cute. when am i gonna learn to keep my fucking mouth shut? especially since i honestly wasn't looking for insights/info, i was just making a statement: "i think X is cute."

the response from the "you're wicked funny" crowd? a resounding, if toned down, "fat fucking chance". yeah... i'm popular enough to study with, but that's it.

maybe this was all a mistake. maybe my dream should have stayed in it's pipe. maybe i am gonna be alone for the rest of my fucking life, forced to watch the happiness of others without ever actually feeling it myself.

and maybe you don't care either. so i'll shut up now.